The Day It Was Too Much
by VioTanequil
Summary: Tsukabishi Tessai has been working with the same group of nutcases for the better part of a century. Or more. It is no wonder that one day, he would crack. And crack he did. Features Urahara and Jinta with a cameo by Yoruichi. Rated K for mild Language


"I NEED A BREAK!"

"Wbhlgh…" Urahara Kisuke stretched, sitting up from his position on the floor, yawning widely, newly (and rudely) awoken from his sleep. Reaching to the side for his bucket hat, he happily plonked it onto his head before turning to his helper. "Maa, Tessai… What did Jinta do now?"

"I NEED A BREAK!"

"Yeah, yeah. You have to tell me what Jinta did this time, only then will I be able to ensure that it does not happen again, ya?"

"I NEED A BREAK!"

"WHY?!"

"I CANNOT STAND THIS FOR A MOMENT LONGER!"

"STAND WHAT?!"

"THIS!!"

"WHAT'S _THIS_?!"

"URAHARA KISUKE! KEEP YOUR VOLUME DOWN! AND YOU TOO, TSUKABISHI TESSAI! HOW THE HELL DO I GET SOME SLEEP IF YOU TWO ARE CREATING A RACKET OUT THERE?" Another voice rang out from the back of the store. A very irritated voice. A very irritated, female voice.

"My greatest apologies, darling Yoruichi."

"SHUT IT, KISUKE!"

"Yes, ma'am."

There was a pause as Urahara grinned sheepishly at Tessai, who merely stared back, stony-faced. Scratching at the back of his head, the shopkeeper attempted to catch his train of thought.

"So, Tessai… When you were saying, and I quote, "I CANNOT STAND THIS FOR A MOMENT LONGER", exactly what do you mean by _this_?"

"THIS! _THIS!_ EVERYTHING!"

"_What_ about everything? I am afraid I do not quite get you, Tessai. Really, I don't."

"EVERYTHING!"

"Elaborate, if you will?"

"I DON'T KNOW! JUST EVERYTHING!"

"An example would not be too presumptuous, would it?"

"JINTA'S HAIR? URURU'S INCESSANT WHINING? YOUR STUPID ANTICS?"

"Moi? Stupid? Nonsense, dear friend. I, the brilliant genius, Urahara Kisuke, am anything but stupid."

"I didn't call you stupid. I just called what you did stupid, _STUPID_."

"Oi! That's a bit far, don't you think!" But Tessai was already too far gone, too far gone to be stopped right there. He ploughed on, eyes flashing angrily from behind the sunglasses. Not that Urahara could actually see them flashing, but having worked with Tessai for about a century, and knowing him for longer, he knew. Or at least, he could give an educated guess. An extremely educated guess.

"AND YOUR HAT! I CAN'T STAND THE DAMN THING! IT HURTS MY EYES, LOOKING AT IT! IT'S SO UGLY! AND YOUR FASHION SENSE!"

"What is it about my impeccable fashion sense irks you so?"

"YOUR FASHION SENSE IS HELLA LACKING! IT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST! GAWD," Tessai moaned theatrically, "WHO ON EARTH PAIRS GREY-GREEN TO WHITE?! IN STRIPES?!"

"Uh… Me?"

"PRECISELY MY POINT!"

"TSUKABISHI TESSAI! KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT OR I'LL COME UP AND SHUT IT FOR YOU!" And it was the same voice, which would have been identified earlier as a very pissed off Shihouin Yoruichi.

"OH YEAH?! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY! JUST BECAUSE YOU USED TO BE THE HEAD OF THE ONMITSUKIDO DOESN'T MEAN I CANNOT BEAT YOU! OR HAVE YOU ALREADY FORGOTTEN MY FORMER POST?!"

A yawn from the doorway as a short ten-year-old looking boy with flaming red hair (No, not literally flaming.) stood, a scowl on his face, looking as irritated as he could.

"Ne, Urahara-san… Just what is it that you did this time?"

"Ah, you see, Jinta-kun… That is the exact question that I myself would like to know the answer to."

"Wait. Just hang on a minute. I'm trying to phrase what I want to say in more polite terms."

"Yes, Jinta-kun?"

"Urgh. I give up."

The scowl grew more pronounced as he drew himself to his full height of not very tall, and yelled, "YOU MEAN YOU PISSED HIM OFF WITHOUT KNOWING HOW?!"

"In more polite terms, yes."

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS?!"

"Of course, dear boy. I always know what time it is."

"AND?!"

"And?"

"IT'S FREAKING THREE A.M. IN THE DAMN MORNING! I WAS SLEEPING! AND YOU PISSED HIM OFF! AND HE STARTED YELLING! AND HOW THE FREAKING HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP THROUGH THIS HIGHLY CHARGED YELLING MATCH WHEN ONLY THE PEOPLE IN FREAKING SOUL SOCIETY CANNOT HEAR YOU?!"

"It's four, actually." A wide smirk came to Urahara's face. Really, he could not resist it. It was in his genius nature to want to get the better of others just because he could. Hah. Too bad, lower beings.

"THAT'S BESIDE THE DAMN POINT! IT'S FREAKING EARLY, AND YOU KNOW IT!"

"Fair enough."

"DAMN STRAIGHT."

"Who has been teaching you to curse, Jinta-kun?"

"Freeloader-san."

"Right." (Abarai was going to die. Yes, he was so dead.)

"SO, ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION, OLD MAN!"

"Earplugs?"

"I GIVE UP!"

The argument occurring between Yoruichi and Tessai was intriguing, seeing as they were not currently in sight of each other, and were yelling through the store.

"YOU SHUT UP!"

"NO, _YOU_ SHUT UP, TESSAI!"

"NO WAY, YORUICHI-SAN!"

"WE'RE HAVING A YELLING MATCH AND YOU'RE ADDRESSING ME AS 'YORUICHI-SAN'? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"NOTHING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU! I CANNOT STAND THIS ANY LONGER! I CANNOT, CANNOT STAND IT! I NEED A BREAK!"

"It? Ne, Tessai-san… Stand what?"

"ALL SORTS OF THINGS! LIKE YOUR HAIR, FOR STARTERS! IT'S HORRIBLE! TERRIBLE! IT BLINDS MY EYES! AND YOUR ATTITUDE IS HORRIBLE AS WELL!"

"OH YEAH, OLD MAN?!"

"WATCH YOUR WORDS, JINTA-KUN!"

"JINTA_-KUN_?! YOU'RE YELLING AT ME AND YOU CALL ME 'JINTA-_KUN'_?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"NOTHING! I NEED A BREAK! A LEAVE OF ABSENCE! A PAID LEAVE OF ABSENCE! A LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME!"

"No."

"WHAT?!"

"No. Did you not hear me, Tessai? I said, no. Nay. Nada. Non-affirmative. NO F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G way."

"WHY?!"

"Oh, you can have the leave of absence, sure. Go ahead."

"AND?!"

"But, no, it will not be a _paid_ leave of absence."

"BUT, TENCHOU! IT WAS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!"

"Nonsense."

"BUT IT WAS!"

"As I said, my dear Tessai, that is all codswallop. Trash. Bullshit. It matters not. After all, I am but a mere sexy, perverted _businessman_, as you should know very well by now."

* * *

And yet another of those random oneshots that I love writing. Hope this one managed to crack you guys up!

Cheers,  
Tan


End file.
